How To Cure Your Drinking Problem

If your are experiencing problems with your drinking you may find the following list of problems and remedies of some use to you !

Problem: Drinking fails to give any satisfaction or taste. Front of shirt is wet.

Reason: Mouth not open while drinking, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

Remedy: Buy another Pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many Pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfected.

Problem: Drink fails to give any satisfaction or taste. Beer is unusually pale and clear.

Reason: Glass empty.

Remedy: Find someone who will buy you another Pint.

Problem: Peanuts are unusually tasteless and difficult to chew.

Reason: You are eating your remaining money.

Remedy: Try and save any notes. Loudly accuse the bar of giving you counterfeit money.

Problem: Feet cold and wet.

Reason: Glass being held at wrong angle.

Remedy: Turn glass the other way so that the open end is pointing upwards.

Problem: Feet warm and wet.

Reason: Loss of self control.

Remedy: Go and stand next to the nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner and demand a Pint in compensation.

Problem: Bar blurred.

Reason: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

Remedy: See remedy No. 2.

Problem: Bar swaying.

Reason: Air turbulence unusually high maybe due to darts match in progress.

Remedy: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Problem: Bar moving.

Reason: You are being carried out.

Remedy: Find out if you are being taken to another pub. If not complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

Problem: The barmaid dressed in the green uniform refuses to talk to you.

Reason: You are talking to the rubberplant.

Remedy: If you are sitting on a barstool then you are probably at the bar already. Turn around and try again.

Problem: You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has light fittings in it.

Reason: You have fallen over backwards.

Remedy: If your glass is full and no-one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar.

Problem: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of cigarette butts and broken teeth.

Reason: You have fallen over forwards.

Remedy: As for the previous problem.

Problem: You feel sharp pains in your rear.

Reason: You are standing too close to the pool table.

Remedy: Ask to have the pool table moved.

Problem: Everything is going dark.

Reason: The pub is closing.

Remedy: (a) Panic (b) Find another pub (c) Run to the bottle shop

Problem: You wake up and find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

Reason: You've spent the night in the gutter.

Remedy: Check your watch to see if it is opening time. If not, treat yourself to a sleep in.