Really smutty stuff

The New US Dollar note:

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Q. Why do married men like blowjobs so much?

A. 15 minutes of silence.

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Q. What do George Michael and a pair of wellingtons have in common?

A. They both get sucked off in bogs.

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Going to heaven

A guy comes home from work one day and finds his little girl in the garden crying.

When he asks her what is wrong she points to the dustbin.

He lifts the lid and inside is the pet cat - dead!

"Daddy, daddy" sobs the little girl "why is fluffy lying with her legs in the air."

Thinking fast he tells her that it's so Jesus can pick it up more easily to take it to heaven.

A few days later the guy comes home from work and the little girl runs up to greet him at the gate.

"Daddy, daddy Jesus tried to take mummy to heaven today."

Confused the man asks her what she means.

"Well when I came home from school" she replies "mummy was lying on the kitchen table, with her legs in the air shouting 'I'm coming, I'm coming', and if it wasn't for Mr. Brown from next door holding her down, I think Jesus would definitely have got her !"

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The Barrel

A guy gets a job working in Alaska at a remote oil pumping station. When he gets there he notices that there are no women for hundreds of miles. As soon as he got the opportunity he asked his supervisor what they did for women.

"Well," replied the supervisor. "We really have no access to women. If you feel the urge there is a barrel with a hold in it behind the building. You can use the hole."

A few days later the guy is feeling horny and decides to give the hole in the barrel a try. It is the best sex he has ever had. The following day he is talking with his supervisor and tells him that the hole in the barrel was great. "It's so good I'm going to use it every day," he exclaimed.

"Every day but Thursday," replied the supervisor.

"What's wrong with Thursday?"

"Thursday is your day in the barrel."

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The Dog

A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he's there, he runs in to his old friend. The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls. The friend sees this and says, "Man, I sure wish I could do that."

The dog owner says, "Go ahead, but pet him a little bit first."

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In flight service

An inquisitive young man was on a flight to Hawaii and having a few drinks to celebrate he upcoming vacation. He became alarmed when he found that the men's bathroom was out-of-order. He asked the flight attendant for admittance to the ladies' room. "Certainly," said the attendant, "as long as you don't touch the WW button, the PP button, or the ATR button." Of course the young man agreed.

No sooner had he relieved himself when curiosity go the better of him and he pressed the WW button. He enjoyed the sensation of warm water being sprayed up onto his ass.

This first experiment was so pleasant that he had no hesitation in reaching for the PP button, and was rewarded by the soft pat of powder puff on his ass. It felt so good that he pressed the ATR button.

The next thing he knew he was waking up in a bright, white room with a nurse standing over his bedside.

"What happened?" he asked groggily.

"You pushed the WW button, right?" said the nurse, with a knowing look in her eye.

"Yes," he replied.

"You also pushed the PP button, am I right?"

"Yes, again," he responded.

"And then you pushed the ATR button, am I correct?"

"Yeah, so?"

"ATR stands for Automatic Tampon Removal. By the way, your penis is in a jar on the cabinet."