Not too bad general stuff

Twenty Dollars

Two friends are sitting at a bar.

After a bunch of drinks over several hours, one guy hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself.

Wiping his mouth off on his shirt sleeve, he says, "Man, I gotta go home I'm already 2 hours late, and now I've thrown up all over myself. The ole'lady is gonna kill me."

The second guy turns to the first and says, "Naw she won't. Listen, you got twenty bucks?"

The first says, "Yeah, why?"

The second drunk says, "Take the twenty and put it in your front pocket.When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning. I do it all the time."

The first guys says, "Great idea! Let's have another round", and the two continued to drink for the next couple of hours.

Eventually they head home

Sure enough, the first guys wife is waiting up for him. As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and says, "Look at you! You're pathetic!! You're five hours late, drunk as a skunk, and you've got dried puke all over the front of you! What have you got to say for yourself?!?"

He says, "Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunk guy threw up on me and gave me twenty bucks to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my front pocket."

She reaches in and pulls out two twenty dollar bills. She says, "Wait there's 40 bucks in here!"

He says, "Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!"

The Argument

Three monks live together in a monestary, holding a sacred vow of silence. Only once a year, with christmas and the birth of Jesus Christ, one of them may speak one sentence.

It has been one year now since the vow was introduced, and christmas comes. The three monks sit around the table in the kitchen, and suddenly, the first monk rises from his chair to speak his annual sentence. "I don't know about you guys," he says, "but I think the apple sauce they serve us here tastes like shit!" He sits down again in silence.

A year passes and on december twentyfifth that year, the three monks gather round the table again to let the second one speak. The second monk stands up and says: "I have to disagree; I personally believe the apple sauce is very good indeed." He sits back down again.

Twelve months and four seasons pass. Winter comes along once again, and another year has passed when the third monk stands up from the table. "Alright," he says, "that does it! I'm sick and tired of hearing you two bastards bitch about that fucking apple sauce! I'm getting outta here!"

Ten Years

A couple has been married for 10 years. Every morning the wife stands naked in front of the mirror and complains about her body. For about a week she has been complaining about her breasts being too small.

Finally, her husband is getting tired of hearing about how small her breasts are and tells her, "why don't you put a piece of toilet paper between your breasts and rub it around."

The wife asks, "how will putting toilet paper between my breasts and rubbing it around make my breasts grow?"

"I don't know," replied the husband, "but it sure worked for your ass."

BEER CONTAINS FEMALE HORMONES

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

Computers

A college professor, who was previously in the Navy, was very aware that ships are addressed as she and her. He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men.

Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

Adrift

Two men are adrift on a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a sinking ocean liner. Rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men finds an old lamp. He rubs it and, to his amazement, a genie pops out and grants him one wish. Without thinking, the man blurts out, 'Turn the whole ocean into beer!'

The genie claps his hands and the entire ocean turns into the world's finest brew. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men sit staring at each other.

The other man looks disgustedly at the first and says, 'Nice one! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat.'

The Interview

A student goes to an interview for his first job. The boss takes him downstairs and hands him a broom. The student, insulted, says, 'I'm a business studies graduate!'

'That's OK', says the boss. 'I'll get someone down to show you how it works.'

SERIOUS SOFTWARE PROBLEM

Desperately seeking technical support / advice.:

I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend 5.0 and having some problems. I've been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 for years as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it.

I heard that Drinking Buddies won't crash if you minimize Girlfriend with the sound off, but since I can't find the switch to turn it off, I just run them separately and it works OK.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with Golfware, often trying to abort my Golf program with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0.

After months of conflicts, I consulted a friend who has experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token Ring upgrade to run properly.

He was right. As soon as I purged my cache, Girlfriend 2.0 uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed a Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. After a hard drive lean up and thorough virus scan I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0.

This time using a SCSI probe and virus protection. It worked OK for a while until I discovered Girlfriend 1.0 wasn't completely uninstalled. I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has an unadvertised feature that automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend 1.0 and communicates with it in some way, resulting in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but, like all versions, there are still some problems.

The Girlfriend package is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. And I've never liked how Girlfriend is totally object-oriented. A year ago, a friend upgraded his version to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate-and-Stay resident version. He discovered GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, you have to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a 'huge resource hog.' It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.

One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife is because it came bundled with FreeSex 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSex (particularly the new Plug and Play items he wanted to try).

On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. And, although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Mother-in-law 1.0, which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife, that Wife1.0 will delete MSMoney files before uninstalling itself.

Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway, due to insufficient resources.

Is anybody out there able to resolve conflicts or offer technical advice?

The Lettuce

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "New Zealand sir".

"You're joking ! Why did you leave New Zealand?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and rugby players over there."

"My wife is from New Zealand!!"

The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"