NEW ABSENCE NOTES

Excuses, excuses, excuses... Who ever likes those? Especially haggled, underpaid teachers who have to keep track of 30 little dummies every class, make sure that they don't shoot each other - and become literate in the process. And if the excuses that come from parents are themselves illiterate... The following are actual excuses written by parents on behalf of their children in the Canadian Public Schools system.

• Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
• Please excuse Diane from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
• Please excuse Johnny for being . It was his father's fault.
• Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
• John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
• Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
• Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
• My son is under the doctor's care and shouldn't be taking fizical ed. Please execute him.
• Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
• My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
• Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
• Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
• Maryan was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
• Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
• George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
• Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
• Please excuse Sara from being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
• Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
• Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah diahoah dyah the s**ts.