Slightly Smutty Jokes

The Parrot

Guy is not getting along so well with his wife, thinks maybe he'd like to have a pet, goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot."

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird. "

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers."

"Wow," says guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer."

Guy offers 20 beans and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. Guy is delighted.

One day guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "pssst," and motions him over with one wing. Guy goes up close to the cage.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, " says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."

"What?" says the guy. "What?"

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, ..." The parrot pauses for a long time.

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"I don't know," says the Parrot, "I fell off my perch."

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The Elephant

Jack went to the urologist and told him about his problem in being unable to get his penis erect.

After a complete examination Jack was told that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing the doctor could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment which might be applicable, if he was willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephants trunk into the affected muscles around Jack's penis.

The thought of going through the rest of his life without sex was too much to bear. Following reassurances that no elephants would suffer or be injured, Jack decided to have the treatment.

A few weeks after the treatment Jack was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. He planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town.

All went well until the middle of the dinner when Jack felt a stirring between his legs that continued until the point of being very painful.

To relieve the pressure Jack unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll, then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said "Jack, that was incredible. Can you do that again?"

Jack, with his eyes watering, replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure that I can fit another bread roll up my arse."

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The Golf course

A man is out at the golf course, waiting to tee off. There is a woman ahead of him. She loses the grip on her club as she swings it, and it hits the man. He doubles over in pain, clasping his hands in his crotch. The woman quickly runs over and says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. Here's let me help you."

The woman opens the man's pants and begins to adjust his parts, fondling his nuts and stroking his rod. A few minutes later, the woman asks, "Is that any better?"

The man says, "Oh yeah, that's great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

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Throw up

A policeman drives by a bar late one night, after closing time, and notices two male patrons, obviously drunk, lying on the sidewalk in front of the establishment. When he parks the squad car and approaches, he notices that one of the men has his finger up the other ones exposed ass.

When the policeman asks just what is going on, the owner of the finger states, "My friend here is very drunk and I'm trying to make him throw up".

The policeman informs the fellow that normally you would make someone throw up my putting a finger into his throat, not his ass! to which the drunk replies, "When I put this finger down his throat, I guarantee you he WILL throw up!"