TOP TIPS

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• AT party time, Cornflakes packets make ideal jelly moulds for anyone requiring large rectangular blocks of jelly. Although they do have the disadvantage of not being waterproof.

• INTERNATIONAL master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

• AMERICAN organised crime leaders. Upon capturing the 'A' Team do not under any circumstances lock them in a shed full of tools and useful scrap materials.

• OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

• AVOID having to draw up a shopping list every week by taking your trash can to the supermarket with you: buy new stuff of the rubbish you find in the bin.

• AVOID over ordering milk by placing your fridge on the pavement just outside your gate. The milkman can then check your day-to-day requirement for himself.

• WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for toilet paper.

• MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

• A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

• BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

• LOOK 'hard' on train journeys by saving up all your empty beer cans for a month and then lining them up on the table in front of you.

• FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

• WHEN out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

• NEXT time you pop out to the supermarket, glue carpet tiles to the soles of your shoes. They'll make the shop feel like your own living room.

• DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

• DON'T put washing-up liquid in the garage or loft. Keep it handy in the kitchen. I put mine in the cupboard under the sink.

• SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

• BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

• PENSIONERS: put a cushion on your car seat when driving.

• FOOL people who call you on the telephone into thinking you have an expensive mobile/cell phone by asking them to repeat every second thing and then hanging up halfway through their reply.