Great universal truths

• I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".

• What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

• If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

• Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

• I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

• Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

• I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

• The trouble with life is there's no background music.

• The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

• Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

• If you run out of sick days, call in dead.